Returning home
by silverempire
Summary: So many things change when you are away for a long time, but does love? a McDean fic.
1. Part 1

**Returning home**

Disclaimers: Well, I obviously don't own Hollyoaks, otherwise the Craig / JP storyline would have ended on a different (and much, much fluffier) note…

Author's note: I read somewhere that James Sutton has been talking about leaving the show next year… That's how I'd like JP's last episodes in Hollyoaks to be.

Please, be patient with me, this is my first Hollyoaks fanfic, and one of my first attempts at writing slash…

**Part 1**

It had been almost a year, a year since he had been in that same airport, a year since he left everything he loved behind.

Craig Dean had tried with all his might to move on, to forget his family and friends, to make Dublin his home, but no matter what he did, he always felt out of place, he always felt alone.

Sure, it was no different in Chester, it wasn't like he was the most popular guy in town, but the few friends he had there were enough for him not to feel lonely.

But he had made so many sacrifices to get into Trinity that he surely would not throw it away for a little home-longing. He shook his head. No. He was not back to Chester for good, like his mother hoped, he would only stay for the summer holidays.

As he made his way outside the airport, Craig could not help but remember the day he left. John Paul had promised to go to Dublin with him, to share this experience together, and he was happy about that, he truly was, but he did not know how to cope with the shame of discovering that he wasn't like he others, that he was _different_. He had tried all of his life to be the perfect son, the perfect brother, with a pretty little girlfriend everyone envied him, and the shock of finding himself in love with his male best friend, and of disappointing everyone was too much for him to handle. He could not stand the comments of the people, he could not stand the disappointed look in his mother's eyes, so he had thrown the best thing that ever happened to him away. He loved John Paul so much, and yet he could not kiss him in public, he just could not bring himself to. John Paul was right when he said he deserved more. He was so beautiful, he had a big heart full of love, and he had given him so many chances, that Craig was not sure he was worth it. He sometimes wondered what would have happened, if he had kissed him in the middle of the airport: would John Paul have followed him to Dublin? Would they have been happy together? Would Craig have felt less alone?

The brown-eyed boy smiled bitterly. He just didn't seem to be able to shut the regret out of his thoughts, he probably never would.

He took a cab, and the more he approached Hollyoaks, the more he wondered if he made the right choice to come home for the holidays. How would everyone react? He had left so many open issues, even with his family, he had never explained how he truly felt, who he really was. How would they welcome him?

As the cab stopped outside the Dog in the Pond, Craig smiled as he saw his mother waiting outside the door. She waived, smiling sweetly at him, and rushed to him, but once she got near, she stopped, and awkwardly said: "Welcome home, love". Craig felt his face fall: was he so disgusting to his own mother that she could not even bear to embrace him? Frankie helped his son with the baggage, and accompanied him to his room, which, to his surprise, had not changed since he left it. Craig would have thought that Steph would have made a huge wardrobe of it by now. And speaking of his sister…

"Where are the others"? He asked his mother. Frankie smiled again, but this time it was a forced smile, and she tried to explain that Jake was busy with Nancy and his son, while Steph was out with her friends. Craig lowered his head. Were they so busy that they didn't even have the time to say hello to their brother who they had not seen for a year? Or maybe they just didn't want to see him…

He suddenly had the urge to take the next flight to Dublin. Coming home had not been a good idea. "So"? His mother's question startled him out of his thoughts. "Sorry mom, I wasn't listening, what did you say"? She shook her head and said: "I asked you if you needed anything, I have to go back downstairs, customers are waiting. Do you want to eat something"?

Craig felt a pang of affection for his mother. Even though she had not fully accepted him, she just couldn't set aside her mother hen instincts. "No, mom, thanks. I think I'll come downstairs for a drink later", he answered.

Frankie smiled. "All right then, why don't you unpack, love? I'll se you later, and I want to know everything about your life in Dublin… It is clear that you are eating little, you look so skinny"…This said, she left, closing the door behind her.

She didn't notice the tears on her son's face.

Craig stood there, looking at the closed door, unable to stop the tears that were cascading down his face. He didn't expect a welcoming party, he had to be honest with himself, but no one had come to see him. They knew he was coming back, _he_ knew, but no one wanted to have anything to do with him.

He lay on his bed, trying to rest, but he could not sleep. He kept tossing and turning and thinking that he really should go back to Ireland, he had nothing to do here, he should really consider forgetting everything and moving on…

But he didn't want to move on, Chester _was _his home, and as long as John Paul lived there he would always want to come back, even though he suspected that the blonde man couldn't care less about Craig's whereabouts.

Deciding that he could not stay in his bedroom for the length of his holidays, the brown-haired boy headed downstairs for the drink he promised to his mother earlier.

As he approached the bar, he could distinctly hear his mother talking to someone who just entered the pub. "It's better if you go somewhere else, Sarah, Craig could come downstairs any minute, I don't want him to see you like this". Craig stopped, his heart began beating furiously in his chest. Sarah was there, he so desperately wanted to see her, to apologize for the way he treated her, to see how she was doing. He approached his mother and spotted her, sitting on one of the armchairs under the window, or better, sitting on Rhys' lap, him touching her everywhere. She acknowledged Craig's presence with a nod in his direction, and then proceeded to insert the length of her tongue down the other man's throat. When she was finished, she sarcastically smirked, and replied: "I don't care if Craig sees me like this, Frankie, I honestly don't give a damn… He couldn't care less when he shagged with his gay best friend behind my back when we were together, so why should I care snogging my own boyfriend now that we aren't a couple anymore"? This said, she resumed her earlier activity with Rhys, but not before the other man could flash a victory smirk in Craig's direction.

"Don't worry mom", he heard himself say, "Let's leave them alone. You can offer me a beer or something, can't you"? He tried to look nonchalant, but his voice betrayed the guilt he was feeling at Sarah's words. He had broken her more than he thought, and he would never forgive himself for that, after all he had loved the girl very much.

When they arrived at the bar, Frankie smiled tiredly at him. "I'm sorry", she said. He shook his head "It's me who should be sorry, none of this would have happened if I had admitted my feelings sooner, if I hadn't stretched my relationship with Sarah to the point of no return. This is all my fault". Her mother took his hands in hers. "No one can stop what they are feeling, it is hardly your fault if you fell in love". "No, it's not, but if I had been honest with her, with all of you"….

"Well, it's in the past now, we should all try to forget". She flashed the first genuine smile at him since his arrival, and gave him a glass of beer.

He gratefully accepted it, and strolled to the last, isolated table of the pub, hoping that no one would notice him quietly sipping his beer.

After a few moments, he saw the door opening, and his heart missed a couple of beats. John Paul had just entered the pub, and was at the bar ordering a beer. Craig was enchanted. He was even more beautiful than the last time he had seen him, and all Craig wanted to do was holding the man in his arms and look into those amazing blue eyes.

But he couldn't approach him, he was too afraid; what if John Paul was still mad at him?

No, he couldn't go there and say: "Hey, John Paul, remember me? I'm the one who broke your heart, the one who was so ashamed of you that he couldn't bear to hold your hand in the street. What do you say? Let's forget the past and get back together". It was silly to say the least.

What Craig didn't know was that there was a reason for John Paul to be at the Dog. He knew that the brown haired man had returned home for the holidays, and he had rushed to the pub in the hope to see him again, to apologize for walking away from him and leaving him alone. John Paul ordered a beer at the bar, and sat on a stool taking a look around. He immediately recognized the familiar shape of Sarah, furiously snogging Rhys, and he wondered if that was her way of getting back at Craig for betraying her. He turned a little more and his heart missed a couple of beats when he spotted the brown haired boy, sitting all alone in a corner. John Paul released a breath he didn't know he was holding. Craig was really there, and he was looking at him with those breathtaking brown eyes. He looked older somehow, like he had aged a lot more than a few months, and his eyes held a trace of guilt and regret as they locked with John Paul's that it tore his heart apart.

All of John Paul's resolve crumbled: how could he approach Craig, when he had hurt him so badly, when he left him alone in the moment when he was most needed? What if Craig was still mad at him? No, he couldn't go there and say: "Hello Craig, do you remember? I'm the one you almost lost your family for, the one who left you alone just because he fancied a snog in a crowded airport when you weren't ready for it. Let's forget the past year and just get back together". He shook his head. It was really stupid.

All that John Paul could do was tearing his eyes away from Craig's, and this broke his heart, because all he wanted to do was letting himself be enveloped in the other man's arms and look into his wonderful eyes.

The two man turned away from each other at the same time, as they awkwardly continued to drink their beers, but every now and then they would cast a quick glance at the other, just to make sure they were still there.

There are many things you could say about John Paul, but not that he wasn't able to act on his feelings. He didn't want to miss this chance to settle things with Craig. After all, they had been friends before becoming lovers and blow it, and, as friends, they still cared for each other a lot. John Paul was sure of this. So, he made a decision: he gulped down his beer, hoping to get a little more courage, and strolled to where Craig was sitting.

The look of astonishment in the other man's eyes made his doubts resurface, but it was too late, for John Paul was already stretching his hand out to him.

Craig was speechless. John Paul had come to him and was now offering his hand to him in forgiveness, with a gentle smile on his face. "Craig"… is all the blonde man said, but John Paul 's voice was hoarse, and his name sounded broken. The pain behind his tone was unmistakable, and Craig felt a pang of guilt like never before. Had he hurt the other man so much that he wasn't even able to pronounce his name without suffering?

He looked into those wonderful eyes, wondering why he didn't notice before they were his favourite shade of blue, and he was suddenly aware that he should grab John Paul's hand and shake it, but he somehow couldn't bring himself to.

He continued to stare into the other man's eyes, he didn't know for how long , and he noticed that John Paul was not smiling anymore. He had retreated his hand and had cast his head down, obviously taking Craig's surprise as another rejection. Craig shook himself: John Paul was suffering , and it was all that it took for him to spring into action, he couldn't stand the thought of John Paul feeling rejected anymore, especially if it wasn't true.

He stood so quickly that his legs violently hit the table, making the glass of beer shatter into the floor, while the chair he was sat on was shoved aside with a loud screeching sound.

Craig was faintly aware of the looks the other customers of the pub were giving him, and he didn't care. All that mattered to him in that moment was John Paul, and John Paul alone.

As he wrapped his arms around the blonde haired boy and brought him as close as he possibly could, resting his head in the crook of John Paul's neck, Craig allowed himself to close his eyes, and he wondered why it felt like he had not closed them in almost a year.

John Paul, on the other hand, was amazed, he didn't know what to think. One moment he was stretching his hand out to Craig , thinking that the brown-eyed man would have never wanted anything to do with him, the other he was clinging to John Paul like a drowning man. Then everything clicked: Craig was really embracing him; he had been forgiven, then, maybe he was still loved.

John Paul allowed a smile to grace his features as he returned the embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around the other man's waist, and he wondered why it felt like he had not smiled for a year.

They stood there, holding each other in the middle of the pub, for a long time. They felt the stares of everyone around them, the frantic whispering, the smirks, but they hardly registered anything, for all that was important to them in that moment was the person in their arms. They had found each other again, they had returned home.

Craig slowly loosened his arms, and raised his head to look into John Paul's blue eyes. The love, the understanding, the forgiveness he found there made his heart melt. That was all the encouragement he needed as he closed his lips to John Paul's in the one kiss both of them had been waiting for a year.

And those lips were so pliant, the blonde haired man was responding to his kiss with so much passion that it made his legs suddenly weak. He clung to John Paul with all his might, as their tongues danced in an ancestral battle for dominance.

They reluctantly parted after a few minutes, breathless, smiling at each other as they continued to peck at each other's mouth, and they couldn't stop the contentment they both felt.

End of part one.

Well, what do you think? Should I continue?

My apologies if the characters seem a bit OOC, but Hollyoaks has not arrived here in Italy yet, and all I could catch of the show is what is posted on youtube…

Please, let me know if I made any huge grammar mistake, you know, English is not my language, but I'm eager to improve!!


	2. Part 2

Disclaimers: if Hollyoaks belonged to me, we would have had our sunset ending, you bet!

Author's note: Well, I want to say thank you to whoever took their time reading the first chapter, and most of all to everyone who reviewed, your comments are so inspiring, you really do make a girl want to write more!! On to the second chapter…

**Part 2**

The two boys were attracting all the stares and the comments of everyone in the pub. As they stood there, embraced like no one else in the world existed, the minutes passed by, but neither of them wanted to break the contact they had. They had not spoken a word, and they felt they didn't need to, but somehow Craig had to let the other man know that it was for real, that he wouldn't let go, not this time. John Paul deserved that much. He smiled at the other man and took a breath, before saying: "I know who I am now, I won't try to hide it anymore. And I know who I love. I love you, John Paul, I always have".

The look of pure love in the blonde man's eyes was priceless, and Craig just hoped that he would see it for the rest of his life. How could he have been so blind not to see it before?

John Paul, on the other hand, was on cloud nine. Craig Dean, the person who wouldn't even dare to touch his arm in public, had just admitted that he loved him in a pub full of people listening, in a pub where _Sarah_ was listening.

He cast a quick glance at her, he had been aware of her eyes staring at them in hatred; she was openly crying now, and she refused to let Rhys put his arms around her in comfort. The girl looked back at John Paul in anguish, and she seemed so lost, so defeated. It was clear that she still loved Craig, and the blonde man felt so guilty; he had never wanted her to suffer, he had not wanted to betray her trust, but he couldn't help it, he was so in love with Craig, he could not refuse him.

John Paul turned again to face the brown-eyed boy, and noticed that his gaze was directed to Sarah. Doubts clouded his heart: why was Craig looking at her? Did he still have feelings for her? Was he still torn between the two of them?

He lowered his head; he could not stand to be in the middle again, he wouldn't accept Craig back in his life if he had to fight again to gain his affection. This time it would have to be for keeps, just the two of them. John Paul felt a hand under his chin, gently forcing him to raise his head. When his eyes locked with Craig's, he could only see love and concern. "What's wrong, John Paul"? He heard the other man say. The blonde man could not explain his doubts, his feelings, to Craig. They had just found each other, he didn't want to ruin this chance because of his jealousy.

So he forced a smile, and replied, shrugging: "Nothing, just thinking".

Craig chuckled, amused. "John Paul, I know you better than you know yourself, you cannot hide anything to me. It's clear that something is bothering you. Please, we've just found each other, I don't want any secret between us anymore".

John Paul couldn't agree more. Secrets and lies were one of the reasons why they had split up, and he didn't want to lose Craig again, so he decided to tell him the truth.

"I'm sorry, but… you were watching Sarah so intently before, and I know it's stupid, but I couldn't help thinking that maybe you"… He couldn't finish the sentence for fear that, if he voiced his doubts, they would have become real. Craig spoke for him. "That maybe I still wanted her. John Paul, look at me". The brown-eyed man was so ashamed of himself.

John Paul had all the reasons in the world to feel afraid, after all it wasn't like Craig had done anything in the past to make the other man believe him. But he would regain all of John Paul's trust, that was his secret promise to the blue-eyed man. "I know that it is difficult for you to trust me, but I swear I don't want Sarah. I only want you. It has always been just you, even when I didn't do anything to make you believe that, even when I mistreated you". He took John Paul's hands in his, and was surprised at how much they were trembling. He heard a sob, and saw tears coming down the other man's face. He wiped them away with the back of his hand, and gently kissed him on the cheek. "I don't know what I can do to make you believe in me, but please, don't cry. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, not anymore. I"…

"Please, just shut up". John Paul's tone was so serious that Craig felt he had lost him again. But he was not so sure that he would survive it this time. The blonde man was not looking at him, and he didn't know what to think. Then John Paul raised his face, his eyes shining with hope and understanding, as he repeated: "Shut up. You don't have to explain anything to me, I've believed in you from the moment I set my eyes on you, and my trust has never faltered. Never. You said you want only me, and my heart _knows_ it's true. There is nothing you must do to have my trust, because you already have my heart".

The brown-eyed man was stunned. How was John Paul able to make Craig love him even more? He really didn't deserve that amazing man, but he'd be damned if he ever let him go now he got him.

The blonde man squeezed his hands, startling him out of his thoughts. "What do you say if we get out of here, I guess we've given the village enough stuff for a couple of years of gossip". He emphasized his words by nudging in the direction of the other customers. Craig turned his head, and found out that the whole pub had gone silent, everyone was actually looking at them, even his mother had stopped serving and was watching them, crying. He searched for her approval by looking intently in her eyes, and he knew he got it when she nodded at him and smiled through her tears. He smiled gratefully at her, then turned again to face John Paul with a mischievous grin, and conspiratorially whispered in his ear: "Yes, let's go somewhere private. We have some catching up to do". He winked at him, and laughed out loud when he saw the blue-eyed man blush profusely.

John Paul was embarrassed but pleased at the same time, and he could not believe his ears. Had Craig just hinted at sex in a public place? He was already feeling hotter. He needed to have the other man all to himself, now. He took the other man's hand and led him outside the Dog at a furious pace. "Where are you taking me"? He heard the brown-eyed man say, amusement in his voice. He was not sure he could come up with an elaborate sentence in that moment, so he just replied: "My home".

They arrived to the McQueen's residence in a hurry, and the moment they closed the door behind them, they were already fervently kissing, and tearing at each other's clothes with fury. Craig was kissing the blonde man with a passion he had never showed before, and John Paul felt himself shiver at the pleasure he was feeling. But, no matter how much he wanted this to move further, the blue-eyed man needed to know. He gently pushed Craig's head away from his neck, and heard himself moan in protest at the loss of those delicious lips on his flesh. When the other man looked at him in concern, he said, seriously: "If we do this, there won't be a turning back. This time is for real. I won't allow you to leave me anymore. Is this clear? Are you still sure you want it?"

He felt a wave of love washing over him as the other man sweetly kissed him and replied: "I've never wanted anything so badly in my life. _I_ won't allow you to leave me. Do you really think I could be so stupid to let the best thing that ever happened to me go away for a second time"?

John Paul laughed, relieved. "Well, if I was so sure about your intelligence, I would not have asked the question".

Craig widened his eyes in mock outrage: "Ah, that's what you think of me? I'll show you who is the intelligent one in our couple". And he proceeded to tickle the other man mercilessly until he was rolling on the floor in laughter, begging him to stop. "Do you still think I'm stupid"? Craig asked him, with mock seriousness. "Yes, I do, and I can add you are very childish too", John Paul answered, mirth in his voice. He felt so light, so happy. Craig had just said they were a couple, and somehow, with those words, he had sealed their bonding. It was all he had ever wanted, and it was for real now. There were just the two of them.

He was still faintly chuckling when he noticed that Craig had stopped laughing, and he suddenly became aware of the position they were in, laying on the floor, the brown-haired man on top of him, his eyes clouded with desire. John Paul he could do nothing but raise his head to meet the other man's lips.

It wasn't long before their passion exploded again, stronger than before. John Paul had barely the time to say: "My room", and to lead the other man up the stairs before they resumed their frantic kissing, their clothes all scattered on his bedroom floor.

They made love, and it was like they never made it before. There was no shushing, this time, no Sarahs phoning, no parents who could discover them, no secrets at all.

And it was so liberating for both of them; they never knew making love could be so different from the sex they used to have, so intimate, so complete.

They lay in bed afterwards, in pure bliss, their hands joined, Craig on top of John Paul, with his head on the other man's chest, while the blonde man gently stroked his hair.

End of part 2

Well, comments?

P.s.: I truly wanted to insert the hotter scenes, but I really couldn't bring myself to, sorry!!

Well, you can still imagine what they actually did, can't you? (winkwink)


	3. Part 3

Disclaimers: The usual…

Author's notes: Here is the third chapter of this little fic (well, not so little anymore…). I honestly didn't expect to get this far, but you inspired me with such warm and beautiful comments. Thanks to all of you.

**Part 3**

When Craig Dean had awoken that morning, in his flat in Dublin, he couldn't help feeling miserable. He had few acquaintances, and even fewer friends in Ireland, and he spent the most of his time alone in his bedroom, studying. Of course, this helped him a lot with his results, and most of all, it restrained his saddening thoughts, but still.

He knew Ireland was a beautiful country, and Dublin was a beautiful city, but he had barely acknowledged the sights around him, and all he had noticed in the months he spent there were the persistent rain and the grey sky, heaving his heart even more.

When Craig got on the plane, he didn't know what to expect. He was afraid of what he would find, and he doubted that he would be happier in Chester. He wondered why he had agreed to spending his holidays home, but he suspected it had to do with his desire to see a certain blonde haired boy, with his need to understand if what he had been feeling for nine months was love or just plain regret.

When he kissed John Paul, earlier that afternoon, it was like everything fell into place. He finally knew. And he promised himself that he would never forget what he had learned. He _was_ in love. He always had been. And the way John Paul had simply accepted him back, without questions, without accusations, without doubts, had made his heart swell.

When Craig Dean awoke later that evening, he felt a contentment he had never experienced before, and what he saw next to him brought tears of happiness in his eyes. There he was, _his_ John Paul (he couldn't suppress a happy sigh at the thought), laying next to him, so peacefully asleep. They had made love, and it had been…he didn't know if there was a right word, 'wonderful' sounded too poor for what he had felt. And now they were there, together. He looked intently at the sleeping form beside him, and he could not help but thinking he truly was beautiful. His blonde hair was all messy, making him look cuter, if possible. He traced a line with his finger on the other man's cheek, down to his jaw line, and back up to his lips. His skin was so soft, and his lips so red and luscious that it was a wonder they were real. John Paul moaned, annoyed by the other man's touch disturbing his sleep, then smiled, and whispered "Craig"… The brown-eyed man cursed himself for waking John Paul, but then he noticed the blonde man was still sleeping, and he felt inexplicably proud, proud to be in John Paul's thoughts even when he was asleep, proud that such an amazing man loved him. A lonely tear escaped from his eyes, and he snuggled closer to the other man, burying his head in his chest. When he felt John Paul stirring, he stiffened and closed his eyes pretending to be still asleep. He felt a light kiss in his hair, and soft fingers tenderly caressing his arm. Craig opened his eyes and raised his head.

"Hello Craig", John Paul said, flashing him a blinding smile, "have you slept well"? The brown haired man could do nothing but returning the smile as he replied: "It was the best sleep I've had in a year", and the truthfulness in his sentence surprised him. "Good", was all the blonde man said before kissing him softly on the lips; Craig wanted nothing more than to spend all of his time like that, laying beside John Paul, kissing him, caressing him, but he had to go back to the Dog, his mother was waiting for him, and he needed to say hello to the others, even though he suspected that they wouldn't exactly care if he didn't turn up for the rest of his holidays. He sighed and buried his head in the crook of John Paul's neck, tightening the arm that was draped around the other man's chest, and immediately felt a gentle hand caressing his hair, soothing him. He sighed again. Neither Jake nor Steph had even texted him to know if he had arrived, and he didn't know what to make out of this. After all, Craig had had the impression that Jake had forgiven him, he would phone him every now and then to know how he was doing, and, even though they would never touch the taboo topic, they were able to maintain a civil conversation, and almost seemed like the brothers they used to be.

The hand caressing him suddenly stopped: "Craig, what's wrong? Why are you so serious"? John Paul asked him in concern. The other man's answer came muffled by John Paul's neck: "It's nothing, really, I was just thinking that I should be heading back home, but I don't want to".

John Paul chuckled, and mischievously retorted: "Well, if that's your only concern, you know that you can sleep here, don't you? I would be more than happy to share my bed with you". He got serious when he noticed that Craig was not laughing, and was not raising his head from its spot on his neck: "But there is more, isn't it? Something is bothering you. You know you can tell me everything".

This seemed to have an effect on the brown-eyed man, for he abruptly sat on the bed, scratching the back of his head like he used to do when he was nervous, or afraid. He turned, and looked deeply in John Paul's eyes before sighing once more and saying: "I don't know, but my brothers didn't even show up to say hello today. No phone call to see if I safely landed, or if my plane was hijacked. I thought they would have forgotten by now, that they would have loved me enough to overcome the issue about my sexuality". He lay down again on John Paul's chest, while the other man resumed his caresses on his head. The blonde man was so sorry for Craig. He had been lucky, his family loved him, and he had found affection and acceptance when he had come out. Nothing had changed between him and his sisters, their favourite pastime was still making him go mad. But Craig's family was different, they had not been as understanding. Jake had freaked out, and had done and said very spiteful things to both of them. But he thought that he had overcome his homophobic attitude, after all he had rushed to the airport when they were leaving for Dublin, and had (sort of) made things up to Craig.

"Don't worry", John Paul said, comfortingly, "everything's gonna be ok, I'm here now, with you. You don't have to face anything alone anymore. I'm sure there must be an explanation for their behaviour". Then something he had completely forgotten came to his mind: " It is obvious Jake didn't have the time to call you, can you imagine how busy he must be with preparing everything, after all it won't be long until he and Nancy get married"! He knew that he had not reached his goal in enlightening the mood when he felt Craig stiffen.

"He's getting married"? The brown haired man asked, with a thin voice. "When? How"?

"Didn't you know"? John Paul could not hide the surprise in his voice.

"He didn't tell me. He used to phone me when I was in Dublin, we talked a lot, but he didn't deem important to tell me he was getting married". A sob escaped him, and in a few seconds he was crying. "He wouldn't even tell me something so huge…He hates me".

The blonde man felt so guilty, he was the cause for all this. "I'm so sorry", he said to Craig, "all of this is just my fault. If I gave you more time to sort things out, if your parents didn't find it out in a so melodramatic way, if I had not acted so selfishly"… He was interrupted by the other man's lips on his.

Craig could not believe his ears. For how long had John Paul been blaming himself for what happened? Did he really think it was his fault? He needed to reassure the other man about the fact that, if someone was guilty in this story, it was none other than Craig himself.

"What? Do you really believe that if I had come out normally Jake would have set aside his homophobia? That if he found out that I'm gay in another way he would gladly have accepted it and patted me on my shoulder in understanding? No, John Paul, even if you hadn't coerced things to happen, Jake would not have changed". "But your family, you risked losing them that day"… the blonde man tried to retort, without success, for Craig interrupted him again. "No buts, stop blaming yourself for my family's behaviour. It is not your fault, and I'm not blaming you for anything. In fact, I'm glad you acted the way you did, I'm not sure I knew what I was doing at the time, I was caught up in a whirlwind stronger than me, I didn't know how to stop it, how to get out. You were right: it was lies all the time, and I was so tired. I was lying to Sarah, I was lying to my family, I was lying to myself, and, most importantly", he looked deeply into John Paul's eyes, "I was lying to you and hurting you, and I will never forgive myself for that".

He got up, collected his clothes from the floor and got dressed. Then he turned to face John Paul with a tired smile on his face. "I really have to go now, it's time I faced my family, and see what they have to say to me". He extended his hand to the blonde man, motioning him to raise from the bed, and he hugged him tightly. "I should go", he said after a few minutes. John Paul chuckled. "Yes, you might have mentioned it once or twice". The arms around him tightened even more. "Do you mind staying like this for a while"? The blue-eyed man returned the embrace with equal force. "You know I don't. And as I said before, you could stay here tonight, if you don't feel like going home". Craig released him a little and locked his eyes with John Paul's. "I know I could, but the more I wait the more difficult it would be".

"Since when have you become so wise, Mr. Dean"? The blue-eyed man tried to joke, hoping to raise the mood. Craig chuckled, then widened his eyes and pouted, pretending to be affronted. "Why are you so surprised? Are you making another sarcastic comment on your boyfriend's supposed lack of brain"? He tried to sound serious as he added: "You are standing on the edge of a steep slope, Mr. McQueen, I would recommend you watch your step if you continue offending". John Paul didn't feel the least threatened, and retorted with a smirk: "Oh, yes? And what do you plan to do to me if I go on? Besides, Mr. Dean is _my_ boyfriend, and I can make whatever comment I wish on his little brain". "True", was all Craig answered before kissing him passionately. They reluctantly parted, panting heavily, their eyes locked. "Now I truly must go, or I'll never get home", Craig said before opening the door. He kissed the other man lightly on the lips. "I love you".

"Love you too", John Paul answered in a whisper.

As he watched the brown eyed man descend the staircase, he felt a sudden urge to stop him. He didn't want him to go, it was too soon. They barely had the time to speak, to sort their feelings out, to decide what this day had meant to them. What would happen now? Were they together, were they really a couple, like Craig had hinted a couple of hours earlier? Or would he deny everything that happened once he got home, like he used to do? He knew it was irrational, but he couldn't help being afraid, he needed a reassurance. He rummaged among the scattered clothes on the floor, found his briefs, and was barely able to put them on before rushing downstairs. "Craig, wait"! he called out. The other man stopped just outside the doorframe, and turned. John Paul stopped just before him, panting. The brown-eyed man looked at him questioningly. "I forgot to ask you: are you going to call me later? Just to let me know how it went between you and your brother". Craig laughed, and took the blonde man's hands in his. "Of course I am, you thickhead. We are a couple, now, calling each other is what couples do. You won't get the chance of missing me, I promise".

John Paul was amazed: how could Craig understand his fears, his doubts, so completely? How was he able to wipe them away with a few words? He closed his lips to the other man's in a tender kiss. "Sorry, I"… he tried to apologize, but was cut off by another kiss. "No need to be sorry", Craig replied, "It's natural to have doubts, I have them too. It all happened so quickly we barely had the time to sort things out. But we have all summer to talk, to make decisions. What's important for now is that we know we still feel the same, that we want to be together".

The blonde man nodded, relieved. Craig kissed him goodbye, then took his way home.

John Paul stood there, in his briefs, and watched the retreating form of his newfound boyfriend with a smile on his face.

End of part 3

Please, I'm waiting for your comments. If you think I should go on, please let me know, I have another couple of chapters planned in my head… thanks, Silverempire.


	4. Part 4

**Part 4**

John Paul closed the door behind him, a smile still on his face. When he had rushed to the Dog, some hours before, he wouldn't even have dared dreaming that Craig Dean would want him back in his life. He had just wanted to see him again, to know if he was well, and maybe, he had also wanted forgiveness, but he honestly did not imagine things to turn out like this.

He shook his head in amusement as he thought back at everything that had happened that day. No, he definitely had not expected any of that. But he would never regret a single moment.

Craig and he were together again, and the other man had changed so much, he was more confident, more mature even, and he had not been afraid of saying he loved him, of kissing him in front of people who could judge him and make fun of him.

"Please, tell me that it wasn't him". The voice of his mother startled him out of his thoughts. He raised his head to see his mom, Michaela and Mercedes sitting at the kitchen table, having dinner. He hadn't heard them coming home, and he briefly wondered how long they had been in the house, how much they had seen or heard. They were looking at him in disbelief. "Please, John Paul, tell me that the man you were kissing half naked on my doorstep was not Craig Dean", his mother repeated, in a warning tone.

He lowered his head. He suddenly felt guilty, like he was eight again and had made some sort of mischief that his mother had just found out. He prepared himself for his mom's lecture, but he had to explain first, to make her understand… "Mom, I"…

Myra exploded like a bomb. She stood up and started pacing , throwing her arms around. "Don't 'mom' me, John Paul! I, I cannot believe it… After all he did to you… When you came home that day, you were so broken, I didn't know if you would ever overcome the grief, if you would ever be whole again. For God's sake, it took months before I started seeing a real smile on your face"!

If John Paul could have dug a grave there, in the kitchen floor, he would. He had made his mother worry so much, and he couldn't even begin to describe how sorry he felt for that. "I know. But he"…

"He what? He's always lied to you. He betrayed you, John Paul, he was ashamed of you! Ashamed of a wonderful boy who had given him his heart! What did he give you in exchange for that? Nothing"!

The blonde man was getting mad. His rational side knew that his mother was speaking the truth, on some level, and that she was just worried about him, but John Paul could not let anyone in the world speak ill about Craig.

He angrily looked at her, and couldn't restrain himself from shouting back: "But I never wanted anything in exchange for that, mom! And you don't know half the story about us, so don't you dare judging him, or me"!

He heard his sisters gasp, and saw them widen their eyes. What he didn't see coming was his mother's slap on his cheek, so strong that it made him almost lose his balance. She looked at him with tearful eyes, and her voice was barely audible as she replied: "It's true, I don't know anything, but that's because you wouldn't talk to me. But I'm your mother, and I worry about you, _all the time_ and I don't want to see you hurt. Ever".

John Paul calmed down. He knew that his mother was only preoccupied about him, as much as he knew that Craig would never do anything to make him suffer, and he had to make her understand that simple truth. "Mom, Craig loves me, and I him. It's only ever been about that. Everything that happened was about us loving each other. It's as simple as that".

"And what happens now? What will you do when he goes back to his new life in Dublin"?

"Well, we hadn't had much time to make plans for the future, but"… He probably should not have said that, because he felt he had angered his mother again when she snapped at him: "No? But you've had plenty of time to have sex, if I'm not mistaken by your semi-naked state! I see he's had no difficulty at all in getting back into your bed"!

John Paul felt embarrassed to talk about his sex life with his mother, but he also felt offended by her comment. "Mom! I'm not a slut, if that's what you're hinting at, and don't say it like Craig has been planning to get in my pants all along! We love each other and we just got caught up, we didn't expect it to happen". He looked into his sisters' eyes. He would have thought they would have said something to defend him, but they had been speechless up to that moment.

"You are on her side, aren't you"?, he said, lowering his head and slumping his shoulders. "Why can't you all be happy about me? When I let him go, I thought I would never recover from the heartbreak, you all know how hard these months have been, and now that I found him again, now that he's come back for me, my family has the courage to ruin my happiness".

"I always thought you were not the cleverest person on earth, John Paul, and now you've proven me right". He turned to look at Mercedes, who had just spoken, in utter disbelief. "Do you really think half the things you've been saying? Do you really believe he's been pining for you during all these months? Please, don't make me laugh. He's living in Dublin, now, John Paul, he's going to Trinity College, and has many a chance to get every gorgeous woman or man he wants: do you think he's saved himself for a poor village boy he's had a crush on"?

She got near him, and tenderly stroked his cheek, which was wet with tears. "You really do believe he's come all the way to Hollyoaks for you, don't you"? He nodded, still in tears, and she embraced him protectively. "John Paul, you are so young…There is still so much you have to know about men. They are able to make you believe anything when they want to get you in their bed". He pushed her away. "You seem to forget that I'm a man too. And you don't know Craig Dean as I do, Mercedes. He does love me, he said so, and I believe him. I don't know if he came here for me, I don't know if"…and it hurt John Paul like hell to say that, "if he's had other relationships when he was in Dublin, but it doesn't matter, because it's me he wants now".

It was Michaela's turn to speak now. "And what about Mark"?

The blonde man froze. Yeah, what about him? He hadn't spared him a single thought before kissing Craig, before making love to him, and he felt a little disgusted at himself for dismissing Mark so easily from his mind. He then reconsidered their relationship. They had gone out three or four times, and hadn't gotten beyond the point of kissing (John Paul could admit he was still a bit shy when it came to gay sex, especially when it didn't involve Craig), so he technically hadn't betrayed the other man. He raised his head to see that his mother and sisters were waiting for his answer.

"Well, Mark and I are not together, I never made any promise to him, and it's really none of your concern who I choose to be with", he snapped. "Please, can't you try to be happy for me"? He continued, in a low voice. He felt the arms of his mother embracing him tightly, and he relaxed in her arms.

"Are you sure about it"? she asked. He nodded, grateful for her understanding. "Good, It's all I need to know. If you are happy, then I am too. But if he ever does anything to make you suffer, I swear he will have to cope with me, and I won't be light on him".

John Paul chuckled. "Well, he would have to deal with me first"! His mother nodded. "Well said. That's my boy. Now go upstairs and get dressed, before you catch something".

The blonde man thought that his mother really was great. The way she was supportive of him was amazing. He released her, and rushed to his bedroom. He didn't take time to observe closely, or he would have seen the anguish in Myra's eyes.

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Oblivious to the discussion held in the McQueen residence, Craig Dean was slowly walking to his home. The more he approached the familiar sign of The Dog in the Pond, the more he felt a sense of uneasiness and discomfort. In a few moments he would see his brother and his sister, and he dreaded what they would say to him.

As he opened the door to the apartment, he didn't have the time to understand what hit him, as his breath was taken out of him by two strong arms embracing him tightly. "Craig"! Jake greeted him after releasing him a bit. "You're finally here! I've been waiting for you for hours". Craig looked into his brother's eyes, expecting to find that he was mocking him, or worse, that he was drunk, but Jake seemed truly happy to see him. The arms around him tightened once more.

"Now, Jake, I know you haven't seen him in almost a year, but let him breathe, he's just arrived, and he's barely inside the house". Craig turned to look at the person who had spoken, and saw Nancy smiling at him. "Welcome back, Craig", she said , extending her hand. He took it disbelievingly, then strolled to the living room, where he could hear the distinct sound of chattering. Everyone was there, Steph and Darren were seated on the couch, while Jack and his mother had occupied two chairs near the table. As they spotted him, they greeted him so warmly that for a second he believed that it was some sort of cruel joke. "What… What's happening"? Craig asked in a tiny voice.

Jake chuckled. "I know you weren't expecting this, but I arranged a little welcoming party for you tonight. Nothing big, just family, hope you don't mind". He wrapped one arm around Craig's shoulder and gleefully shook him. "It's so good to have you here, little brother… There's so much we have to talk about, so much I have to say to you"…

After the first moments of shock, reality sunk in, and Craig found himself angrily pushing Jake away from him. He was so mad. "Yes, there's so much we have to talk about, Jake" he snapped, and his eyes were barely slices, "like the fact that I've been away for nine months, and that I don't recall you, any of you, being here when I arrived, and I don't recall hearing your voice at the phone asking me if I safely landed. What? Did you expect me to forget the way you dismissed me all day with this crap of a party"?

He felt a little satisfaction when he saw his brother's face fall; it was right, he had deserved this.

"I'm sorry", Jake started, and it surprised Craig how true his words sounded. "I know I shouldn't have gone out this morning. I swear I meant to be back by the time you arrived, but then things happened, I didn't expect it to last so long, and when I finally managed to come home you were already gone. I should have called you, I know, but I was tired of hearing from you only by phone, so I arranged this while I was waiting for you to come back".

Craig was speechless to say the least. His brother sounded so sincerely sorry, and he was beginning to feel guilty for snapping at him that way. Then he remembered something, and anger hit him again in waves.

"Oh, I'm so sorry for being rude, I can imagine that there were more important things than your brother coming home, weren't there? The arrangements for your wedding, for example". He knew he had scored a goal when the eyes of everyone in the room got as big as saucers. His anger turned to sadness. "Yes, I know everything. I know you two", he gestured at both Jake and Nancy, "are getting married in a short time, and I know you didn't mean for me to find it out, but I did. How come, Jake? I would have been so happy for you, for both of you… Why wouldn't you tell me? Were you afraid your gay little brother would show up at your marriage dressed in pink ruining everything? If you told me you didn't want me there I would have been hurt, sure, but I would have understood; keeping it a secret"… He stopped when he felt tears prickling at the back of his eyes. His brother violently shook his head, and wrapped his arms around him in comfort. Craig tried to wriggle himself free, but Jake's hold didn't falter.

"No! No, no, no…Craig, believe me, this has nothing to do with your being…gay". The brown-eyed man wanted to chuckle at how difficult it still was for Jake to say that word "… I wanted to tell you so badly, and there were a couple of times that I nearly did, but as I said before, I was tired of just speaking to you by phone, and this was so big a news that I didn't want to break it to you on the line. I wanted to tell you in person, that is why I waited for so long, that's why I begged mom not to tell you. I wanted to arrange it as soon as possible so that you would still have been here on that day". He intently looked into his little brother's eyes, and Craig was taken aback by the seriousness he found in there. "There is another reason why I didn't want you to find out by phone", Jake continued, "there's something I need to ask you: will you be my best man? Please, Craig, you still are my brother, this is my way of saying that nothing has changed for me. I love you, and I need you at my side on the most important day of my life. What do you say"?

Craig could not believe his ears: all this time he had wondered if his brother hated him for being gay, for loving John Paul, he had thought that Jake didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore, and now he was asking him to be his best man. He was tempted to say yes, but he had to make clear that it wouldn't change anything, that no matter how deeply he loved his family, he loved John Paul more.

"Is John Paul invited too"? he asked Jake. He didn't miss the flinching as he pronounced the name, but his brother quickly recomposed himself.

"Why are you asking? Of course he's invited! He's with you, isn't he? You can bring whoever you want".

"JAKE"! Nancy intervened. "You know what Sarah said, she wouldn't come if he's there too, and she's my bridesmaid"!

"Nance, please, we discussed it so many times, and you agreed with me. It is my brother we are talking about, I want him to be at our wedding. If the condition for that is that he brings John Paul, then it's better you start looking for a new bridesmaid".

Nancy looked outraged. "But she's my best friend! I want her to be at our wedding as much as you want Craig"… she turned towards him, a pleading look in her eyes. "Craig, please, this is not about you, it's about Jake and me. It's our wedding, I want it to be as perfect as it can be. I hold no grudge against John Paul, believe it, but if I have to choose between him and Sarah, then I have to say I'd rather have her with me on that day".

Craig was torn in two. He could see the point in Nancy's words, and he honestly wanted so bad to say yes to Jake, to amend things with him. But John Paul was the most important thing in his life, those months spent apart from him had proven this much, and he didn't want to hurt the other man by choosing his family over him again.

He turned to Nancy and nodded at her. "Jake, can I think about it? I truly want to be your best man, but I have to make some pondering first.. I promise I will give you my answer by tomorrow". He looked deeply into his brother's eyes, and saw he had been disappointed. He probably thought Craig was eager to sew their relationship back to what it was, and that he would surely say yes, but this made the brown-eyed man even more determined. His family took him too much for granted, it was time he showed them what he really wanted.

He sighed. Now he would have to tell John Paul the news, but he doubted the blonde man would take it serenely.

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John Paul had been fidgeting with his mobile for almost a hour. When he took it out he was not surprised to find five unanswered calls and two messages from Mark. He could be a very persistent man, and rarely took no for an answer. But he couldn't waste his time and call him back. Craig had promised he would phone him, so the line could not be busy when he did. He sighed, and thought that Mark should be the first thing to deal with on the following morning. He composed a brief text message saying he was busy and couldn't answer the phone, and asking Mark to meet him at Il Gnosh at 9 o'clock. John Paul sighed again. What was taking Craig so long to call? A hour had passed, had it gone so badly with his brother? Were they still arguing? He was so lost in his own train of thoughts that he almost missed the persistent vibration of the mobile in his hands. He looked at the screen, and almost jumped in joy at reading the name.

"Hello"?

"Hi, are you still awake"? He had almost forgotten how deep and sexy Craig's voice could be on the phone.

"Yes, I couldn't sleep, I was waiting for your call". John Paul could barely hold the emotion.

"Oh". Craig sounded surprised. "Sorry for taking so long, I was talking to my brother".

"So? How did it go"?

He could almost envision Craig smiling. "It went really well, he doesn't hate me John Paul"! he said triumphantly. "He even arranged a party for me, and he asked me to be his best man at the wedding"!

John Paul was glad to hear that, Craig deserved that kind of acceptance. "Well, that's wonderful. I'm so happy for you! What did you say"?

He felt the air go chilly as he asked the question. Craig was not speaking anymore, and John Paul thought for a moment that the call got disconnected. "Craig"? called, tentatively.

"Sorry", Craig answered, and his voice had lost all its joy. "I can't… not after what we've been through…I don't know, I"…

John Paul was worried. "I don't understand. What's happened Craig"?

"I… I wanted so much to say yes, but I also wanted to make clear that I'm with you now, and that I'd not set you aside, for anyone, so I asked him if you were invited too".

The blonde man almost laughed. He could imagine what Jake had answered. 'That faggot? There's no way in heaven or hell I would want him near me'. But he was curious anyway.

"And what did he say"?

"He said that you could come with me, if I wanted to".

John Paul was beyond surprised. He had underestimated the affection Jake had for Craig, then. He so desperately wanted to make things up to the brown-eyed man that he was also keen on accepting his relationship with a faggot like himself.

He wrinkled his nose. "Does this mean I have to buy a wedding present to Jake, then"?

"Well, it's not that easy". The blue-eyed man nodded. He was expecting a sentence like this.

"Why"?

"Sarah. She said that she wouldn't attend the wedding if you're there too, and she's Nancy's bridesmaid".

"Oh, I see". He couldn't suppress the sarcasm in his tone. "So what? If I come I get to be the bridesmaid and wear the pink dress Nancy has chosen for Sarah"?

"John Paul, please, try to understand"… The pleading tone was getting on John Paul's nerves. Why did he always have to be understanding of others? Why no one ever tried to understand him?

"What did you answer to Jake, Craig"? He asked again, in a warning tone.

"I said I needed time, because I wanted to speak to you first. This is something we have to decide together. You are so much more important to me than some stupid marriage, I want this to be clear, and I wouldn't go to the wedding if that means I could upset you or hurt your feelings".

John Paul was moved. Craig had put their relationship before his family, and that was the first time it happened since they'd known each other. He could be selfish now, and demand that Craig didn't attend the marriage, but he knew how much the other man wished to go. It was time that he learned to trust him, because only in doing so their relationship would grow.

"I think you should say yes, Craig. He's your brother and he wants you to be near him. This is the occasion you have to patch things up with him, so go and be his best man".

"But you"…

"No buts. I don't care if I'm not invited. Don't you know that if you're happy I am too"?

"I know. And I love you so much for that".

John Paul yawned, eliciting a chuckle from Craig.

"Are you trying to say in a very subtle way I should hang up and let you sleep"?

He laughed too. "Well, now that you mention it, it's a bit late… See you tomorrow"?

"Sure, what time"?

"There's something I have to do early tomorrow. Let's say about ten at Il Gnosh"?

"That's a date. I love you, you'll never know how much".

"I love you too. Bye". The blonde man hung up. His future was beginning to look brighter, and he was certain now that Craig Dean would be the most important part of it.

End of part 4

Author's notes: My, this fic is becoming longer and longer as time passes by… Hope you don't mind ;-)

Not much interaction between our boys in this chapter I'm afraid, but I wanted to explore their relationships with their families. I hope I didn't depict them too OOC.

As usual, I want to thank everyone who reviewed. I'm amazed by such affection, I truly am. Please, let me know what you think of this chapter as well…


	5. Part 5

**Part 5**

It was early morning when he woke up. Well, as early as it could be in John Paul McQueen's standards, anyway. He glanced at the clock on his bedside table. 8.25. He should hurry and get up if he wanted to arrive on time to see Mark. John Paul sighed dramatically: he had a sense of dread about the incoming day that just didn't feel right. He knew that he should have no worry anymore, no more problems now that Craig and he were together again, but Mark's shadow was looming over him like a Damocles' sword. He groaned: he should know by now; he was a McQueen, no aspect of life was ever easy for them.

He shook his head. He now had to face Mark, to tell him that he didn't want to take their relationship any further, and then he would also have to explain to Craig that he had gone out with another man while he was away.

He wondered how Craig would take it; would he dismiss it like the nothingness it really was, or would he be over-dramatic and make a scene? He shuddered as he thought back at how jealous and possessive of him the brown-eyed man could be, the whole Spike fiasco had taught him that much. Well, he guessed he would soon discover it.

John Paul got up from bed and had a shower, then strolled into the kitchen to have breakfast. His mother warmly greeted him, and his sisters, who had apparently warmed up to him, immediately began to pester him with embarrassing questions about Craig and himself, while they informed him that the whole town was talking non-stop about them kissing at the Dog, and about their newfound relationship. The blue-eyed man covered his face with his hands. Great. Just great. Another thing to worry about. The more people knew, the more Craig would feel under scrutiny, under judgement. Kissing in a pub was one thing, but being constantly watched and pointed at as the village faggot was something completely different. He had been there, he knew it, and he wondered how Craig would cope with it when barely a year before he had been afraid of facing even his family.

"So"? Michaela's question startled him out of his thoughts. "What"? He stupidly asked her. She rolled her eyes. "I asked you if Craig likes best to be on top or on the bottom"…

The blonde man looked at her unblinkingly for a couple of seconds while he felt his ears reddening, then proceeded to gulp down his breakfast in mere minutes before rushing out, while Mercedes was laughing like mad. He drew a deep breath as soon as he closed the door behind him, then chuckled. He sometimes hated his sisters for embarrassing him all the time, but he was grateful for their understanding, and he honestly didn't know what he would do without them.

John Paul approached Il Gnosh with a heavy heart. It wasn't easy breaking up with someone, even someone you didn't care about. Moreover, he now was certain that Mark knew about Craig and himself, and this didn't help much in lessening the guilt he was feeling.

He spotted the object of his current thoughts as soon as he entered the place. He was glad that there weren't many people, it would have made things easier. Mark was sitting at a table, holding a cup of coffee, and he didn't seem very happy to see John Paul; in fact he looked royally pissed off.

"Hello Mark", John Paul neutrally greeted, as he sat on a chair at the opposite side of the table. The other man didn't even bother to raise his head from the cup, as he nodded his salute.

The two men sat there, in silence, awkwardly avoiding each other's eye, for some minutes, before Mark snapped. "Well, you wanted to see me… I'm here. Or do you prefer to sit there in contemplation for the rest of the day? I've got no time to waste, John Paul, so speak up, before I go".

The blonde man inwardly cringed at the tone Mark was using. "I… I don't know what to say, really, it's not like I prepared some kind of speech"…

This seemed to anger the other man even more than he apparently was, for he replied: "Do you want me to speak for you, then? All right, I'll do it. What would you say if I told you that yesterday a certain person, we will not say his name, came back from whatever place in hell he has been for the past year, kissed my boyfriend in a pub full of people and said boyfriend let him do it without a second thought? What would you say if I told you that those two were later seen kissing on the doorstep of my boyfriend's house, one of them half naked, leaving no space for imagination about what the two had just been doing"?

"Ok, ok, I get it. Now stop, please"… John Paul felt so dirty, now, the confidence he had had on the previous night about this relationship not being serious was beginning to fade away.

"Stop? I've barely even begun… As soon as I heard the gossip, I kept repeating to myself that you couldn't do this, that you were so sweet, so different from anyone else, that you wouldn't be able to deceive people. Then the rumours began to be more and more insistent, so I tried to call you, I wanted to see you and talk to you about it. But you didn't even have the decency to answer the phone or to call me back, and you dismissed me with a text message! A text message, John Paul"! he finished, red in the face.

The blonde man wanted so much to run away in shame. The way Mark was continuously referring to him as his boyfriend made him reconsider what he had done to the other man. John Paul never felt any kind of commitment towards him, but apparently his feeling was not reciprocated.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you, Mark, I really am. I don't know what possessed me to act like that, I swear I didn't try to purposely hurt you; but I've never hidden my love for Craig, I've always been honest with you. I like you, being with you. You are good looking and funny and clever, but this", and he gestured at both Mark and himself, "this is nothing like what I felt, what I still feel when I'm with Craig. You have no idea how hard this year has been on me, and yesterday, when he kissed me, it felt like everything was right again".

Mark made a disgusted face, then replied in a sarcastic tone: "You are probably right, John Paul, what we have doesn't feel like being with him, but you hardly gave it a chance, so how can you tell how deeply would it grow? And I agree with you, I cannot even begin to compare my humble self with your precious, God-like Craig, who shagged you behind his girlfriend's back, who wasn't able to come out publicly, who punched you and treated you like shit, and lied to everybody for months. Oh, and let's not forget the fact that he left you behind time and again without any remorse. Yes, I'm so, so sad that I could never be like him"… He got up and absentmindedly rubbed his pants. "Well, if this is all, I got to go now". He leaned closer to the blonde haired man. "Do you know what's the funny thing about it all? I really cared for you, John Paul. You truly are a very special man. I just hope you know what you're doing, and somehow I also hope you will be happy. But I want to give you an advice: the bastards like Craig Dean never change, I know he'll make you suffer again, and when that day comes I wish I was there to see you hurting".

John Paul watched Mark leaving Il Gnosh in a hurry, and all he was able to think about was that the other man was probably right about Craig, and that he didn't know what he was doing, he didn't actually have the slightest clue.

He continued to sit there, eyes fixed on the doors, and he thought back at what Mark had just said about Craig, and most of all, at his mother and sister's words on the previous night. All of his doubts came rushing back to him like a flood: the past two years kept replaying again and again in his mind. All the tears, the bitterness, all the pleading for Craig to decide between Sarah and him, all the strive to obtain a gesture of affection, of love. He couldn't go there another time, he didn't have the strength to face it anymore. Was getting back with Craig really right? Would everything be like before between them? Would John Paul ever be able to completely forgive and forget what he had endured by the hands of Craig? If some bitter words said by a rejected boyfriend were enough to make him doubt their relationship, how could he be sure they would survive to whatever hardship life would throw at them?

He began to nervously shift in his chair in frustration, and in doing so, he kicked the legs of the table, causing the half full cup of coffee to fall down and spill its contents on his pants.

"Shit"! Was all he managed to say though gritted teeth. Could this day get any worse than this?

He glanced at his watch, 9.45. And where on earth was Craig? He so desperately needed him, he needed to be reassured, comforted, by the brown-eyed man. John Paul was sure of that, if he was there, anything would turn out right.

As if on clue, Craig chose that moment to enter Il Gnosh, and, as soon as he spotted the blonde haired man, he witnessed him spilling coffee all over himself, and he couldn't restrain himself from laughing loudly. He was still faintly chuckling when he arrived beside the other man.

"What are you laughing at, you git"? John Paul grunted. Craig shook his head in amusement.

"Now, is that a way to properly greet your boyfriend"? he said playfully.

"Yes, it is, when my boyfriend is laughing at me". the blonde man replied with a pout.

Craig realized it was exactly that kind of playful moments with John Paul what he had been missing all along. When they were just friends, before they began to fall in love, they were so open with each other, always joking, without a care in the world. They didn't have much time to be like that when they became lovers, there was too much bitterness, too much angst, and those moments spared to be with each other were too few.

He crouched down to be at John Paul's eye-level, and leaned in to gently whisper in his ear: "I can think of a more suitable greeting"…He took the blonde man's face into his hands and thoroughly kissed him with all the pent up passion he was feeling. He had not realized how much he was missing the other man until the moment their lips touched, and he was somehow scared by the intensity of his emotions.

But he sensed something was not right. John Paul was not responding to his kiss with the same enthusiasm he had showed on the previous day.

He slowly released the blonde man's lips and stared into his eyes in concern. Yes, something was definitely wrong with John Paul, but he had no time to ask him what it was for he was roughly shoved aside by a strong push that sent him sprawling on the floor.

"What are you doing to him, Dean"? Katy Fox towered over him, snarling, "you shouldn't even look at him after everything you did, you piece of shit! And you", she pointed at John Paul with a murderous glare in her eyes, "you should be ashamed of yourself! What's gotten into you? You were kissing him"!

Craig got up from the floor and looked at her in disconcert for a moment: why was Katy Fox so mad at him? After all, they barely knew each other, and it certainly was none of her concern whether he kissed John Paul or not.

He prepared to verbally assault her, but he was stopped by John Paul's hand forcefully entwining with his. "We got back together, Katy". he said, matter-of-factly, then added: "I love him". The blonde man's tone of voice was final, steady, like it brook no argument.

"I know. But"… her gaze kept shifting uncertainly from John Paul back to Craig.

"I know that you worry for me, and I appreciate it, but I'm perfectly capable to make decisions by myself. Oh, and by the way", he turned towards Craig, "this is Katy, my best friend. Katy, this is Craig, my boyfriend. Now please, try to get along, if only for my sake".

As he reluctantly shook the girl's hand, the brown haired man felt slightly jealous, but most of all remorseful: just months ago, John Paul would have introduced _him_ as his best friend… He didn't know that the blonde man had made friends with Katy, well he didn't even know if he had made friends with anyone, actually; it struck him that he didn't realize before that John Paul had surely moved on since he left, that he had, as a matter of fact, lived his life, and it saddened him that he had been so stupid to purposefully choose not to be involved in it. Craig looked at the blue-eyed man, and felt he didn't know anything about him anymore.

"Please, John Paul, you both should come and sit with us", Katy pleaded. Her tone had drastically changed, and Craig briefly wondered if she had a multiple personality. She pointed at a table across from them, where Justin was seated. "And you have to tell me everything that happened, how you got back together! You know how I love happy endings!"

She tugged at the blonde man's free arm and began to pull him towards the table. John Paul's hand tightened around Craig's, and, when the blue-eyed man turned back to look at him, his eyes were pleading with him to be nice and get along with the girl.

He was not that happy to spend time with Justin and Katy, he would have preferred to be alone with the blue-eyed man; they had so much to talk about, to catch up with, and the need to know the reason for John Paul's reluctance in kissing him back some minutes before was still tugging at the back of his mind. But he would do anything for the other man, and if that meant sitting down and happily chatting with those two, he would.

Katy sat down beside Justin, his arm automatically draping around her shoulders, and pulling her face towards his for a long kiss, while John Paul and Craig sat on two opposite chairs across the table, watching the scene with some embarrassment.

The brown-eyed man looked at John Paul's profile, and he saw the longing clearly written on his face as he was watching Katy and Justin snogging. He remembered that they at the airport, when the blonde man had showed him that couple kissing and holding each other, and had explained him that he wanted them to be like that even in public. He had been so ashamed then, and slightly mad at John Paul for just hinting that he would do such a gay thing in an airport full of people, that he had sentenced the end of their relationship.

But he had matured since then. He lived in a big city now, and attended a cosmopolitan University where such things went unnoticed. He was now accustomed to seeing gay couples holding each other and kissing in public like it was the most natural thing in the world, and he understood that it was a normal thing to do when you care about someone, no matter what people could say. And he cared so much for the wonderful man beside him… He shook his head: his John Paul would never long for Craig's displays of affection, not anymore. He moved his chair closer to John Paul's, put one arm around the other man's shoulder, gently forcing his head to rest in the crook of his neck, and took the blonde man's hand into his. The happy sigh John Paul breathed didn't go unnoticed by Craig, and he was glad he was the reason behind it.

The blonde man was ecstatic; when they had sat down, he was fairly sure that Craig wouldn't get any closer to him, not in front of Justin, and he had been somewhat envious of Katy. She could hold her boyfriend, kiss him, touch him without a care in the world, no matter who was witnessing.

Then the miracle happened; Craig was embracing him, caressing his hair with such tenderness that he was sure his heart would melt. He slightly raised his head to look at the other man. There was no trace of uncertainty in his eyes, no doubt, and he was not anxiously looking around to verify if anyone could see them.

Instead, he was easily chatting with Katy and Justin, laughing when she recounted the event that had led to them being fast friends, and some other embarrassing things about himself.

John Paul shamefully buried his head even more into the other man's neck, while the arm around his shoulder tightened, and Craig planted a firm kiss in his hair in comfort.

But both Craig and Katy seemed to get some kind of twisted pleasure by taking turns in narrating the most humiliating facts of his life and he was not so sure anymore if it had been a wise decision to introduce those two. He was slowly getting frustrated.

"You DO remember that I'm actually here, don't you"? He snapped after a while. He'd had enough. "Isn't there any other topic you can talk about beside my life"?

Craig mockingly pouted. "But it wouldn't be as interesting as talking about you, and you have such an eventful life"… He turned to the girl with a conspiratorial smirk. "Doesn't he, Katy"? She nodded, pointing at John Paul's reddening face while everybody started laughing again. He pouted and resumed his earlier position with his head on Craig's shoulder. Bloody traitors.

The blonde man felt a hand under his chin gently forcing him to raise his head.

"Did we upset you"? Craig asked in concern. John Paul shook his head. He had actually been offended, but the look in the other man's eyes made his anger ebb a bit. "No, of course not", he lied, lowering his head.

Craig searched his lips and sealed them with his in a long kiss. "You sure"? The brown-eyed man asked again when they parted. John Paul smiled; how could he stay mad at Craig when he was looking at him like a puppy dog, batting his impossibly long eyelashes that way?

"Yes, I'm sure", he replied, and it was the truth this time. "Good", was all the other man said before resuming their snogging session.

"Oh, for God's sake, get a room you two", a male voice interrupted. The pair parted to see Kris staring unbelievingly at them. "My, so those rumours are true… You are really back together. That's why I found Mark so upset a couple of minutes ago". He turned towards John Paul, frantically gesturing at him not to say another word about Mark. He intended to speak to Craig about it all when the right moment came.

But then Kris never knew when he should keep his mouth shut, and John Paul had to cover his face with his hands when he innocently asked him: "Did you break up with him"?

He was so afraid of uncovering his face. He didn't want to look at Craig, he didn't want to know how the other man could react at this piece of news. He felt the brown-eyed man's arm slip away from his shoulder, and he cringed: he was in big trouble.

"John Paul"… Craig called, and his voice was barely audible. The blonde man could do nothing but look at him, and the hurt expression on the man's face tore his heart apart.

"Do you…Do you have a boyfriend? Yesterday, when I…When we…Are you still with him? Is that your way of getting back at me for what I did to you with Sarah"?

John Paul violently shook his head, and took Craig's hands in his, but the other man retreated them back as if burned. "No, no, it's not like that. I… I only went out with Mark from time to time, he is not…was not my boyfriend. I never felt for him the way I feel for you, Craig, you have to believe me, he's not important to me as you are. I broke up with him as soon as I could, well, it's more like he broke up with me, was not that glad I cheated on him, actually"… He was stammering, he knew it, but he needed Craig to understand, and, the more he spoke, the more he would keep the other man's reaction at bay.

"If he was not important, if you actually left him, why didn't you tell me about him"? The brown haired man shouted as he raised his head to look directly into his eyes, and John Paul shuddered at the murderous glare that was directed at him. "You said you loved me yesterday, but you already had a boyfriend…Did you say that to him too? What happened when I went away? Did you make love to him after you did me so that you could make a comparison between us? Is he better than me in bed"?

John Paul didn't realize he had punched Craig until he felt his knuckles burn, and the other man on the floor, a hand covering his nose. He was beyond enraged. This was the second time in two days that someone hinted he was a slut, and he didn't accept that kind of comment from anyone, especially from Craig.

"How dare you? You have no right to say such things of me, not after what YOU did", he angrily snarled, "What did you expect? I was broken beyond recovery when you left, I didn't know if you would ever come back and I had no intention of pining for you the whole time. Yes, I went out with Mark, and I went out with others before him, but I never took things further"… He felt the tears flooding down his cheeks, and furiously wiped them away with the back of his hand, as he inwardly cursed himself. He had swore long ago he would not cry for Craig Dean anymore, so why was he still doing it? "When I looked at them, I always saw you; when they kissed me, I felt ashamed and dirty like I was cheating on you. I was never able to properly move on, Craig. When you kissed me yesterday, it was the first time I was truly happy in months, and I'm sorry if in that moment I completely forgot to mention a man who meant nothing to me. You have no right to doubt my love for you, Craig, not after everything that happened"!

He pushed Kris aside, murmuring an ironic 'thank you', as he ran away from Il Gnosh, away from the bewildered stares of his friends, and most of all, away from Craig Dean.

End of part 5

Author's note (hiding behind the PC): Well, comments?

I know, it's a cliffhanger… I hate them so much too…Please, don't throw anything at me, but I wanted some kind of obstacle to be thrown at our boys to see if their love is strong enough to survive anything (not that I doubt it, but it's more functional to the story…).


End file.
